


Just want you to know who I am

by Vilian



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, F/M, Festivals, Fix-It, Mission Fic, Overthinking, Post-Battle of Scarif, Self-Insert, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Songfic, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-06-30 06:55:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15746577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vilian/pseuds/Vilian
Summary: They've always wanted to find someone who just knows. And they did, by finding each other.Or, a double tribute: to RebelCaptain and to my most favourite song ever.





	Just want you to know who I am

**Author's Note:**

> After discovering that my fic-writing might be something more than a single weird story (a.k.a. two first chapters of [The way to fix it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10574556)), I promised myself to never do two things: to write a songfic and to stuff a self-insert into any story. And I've just committed both sins at once, because too many emotions needed venting out. Sorry :(
> 
> Still, please enjoy, and leave a comment if you do :3

_Kriffing crowds._ She used to appreciate them; a thief could always earn her living among so many possible marks, a refugee could always find a way out in such a hustle. Nowadays things are a bit different for her though, and Jyn just barely can stop herself from fidgeting. It's a strange feeling, this - _caring_ , on both ends. It makes her dizzy, her heart seems to soar and drop at the same time. Cassian's out there somewhere, meeting the contact on his own, alone. It's better to do the exchange somewhere in the festival squeeze instead of attention-drawing meeting in the open, she understands that. But, it does make her scared anyway. She can't see him, can't reach him, can't keep him safe. She's useless. But she still is happy that Cassian trusts her common sense enough to leave her on her own. Jyn already forgave him this sorry excuse of her keeping the watch for suspicious commotions or patrolling 'troopers. Yes, this Outer Rim fistful of rocks and seas, of no military or economical significance, is yet another Imperial playground. But, strangely enough, bucketheads here seem to be almost afraid to enter the festival area, have been avoiding it so far. It's highly unusual for the Empire to tolerate much smaller gatherings than this one: thousands and thousands of people tightly packed upon small patch of land. The absence of patrols is heavily unnerving for Jyn. Cassian had told her about this oddity, Kay had given the statistics for Imperial intervention, based on previous years' festivals data and newest military and political movements intel. _The chances are close to zero, unless she'll provoke the troops directly_ \- but even _if_ and even _when_ predicted, this lack of white armors within her sight still feels like a trap. This would be one of the most bizarre events she's ever been at anyhow, with or without Stormtroopers present, Jyn muses while watching the crowds.

Once every standard year, there's a huge festival held here, on the planet's biggest island. It doesn't celebrate anything in particular, maybe that's why Imperials still allow this to happen - to just let the locals vent out in an almost fully controlled manner, without any obvious political or religious connotations. Although, while the planet is mostly Human-populated, each year an improbable number of various other humanoids attends the festivities as well. Some are definitely offworlders, who got here in a myriad of spacecrafts covering the enormous landing pad. Jyn already have seen here several Wookiees with dyed fur strands of various unnatural shades; couple of Bothans with neon-coloured artificial braids woven into beards; a single male Cerean with flower wreath at the very top of his cone-shaped skull; dozens of Twi'leks and Togrutas with lekku wrapped in all sorts of ribbons; not to mention plenty of other more-or-less humanoid characters, Humans or otherwise, too adorned to recognize their gender or species. Most of attendees is wearing either flashy clothing or bright body paintings, or both. Tents, shacks, huts and other makeshift shelters built on surrounding fields, spreading past the horizon, are also trimmed with flowers, ribbons and even shredded clothes - everything really, as long as it's in blazing colours. All in all, the festival makes an incredibly noisy, colourful, diverse, giant gathering; one bursting with laughter, music and kind of general - _joy of living?_ How's that actually possible in this war-drenched reality, Jyn is not fully able to understand, but it does make her feel a pang of jealousy. She'd love to be so carefree for a tiniest of moments, to openly celebrate something, _anything._

The area is getting more and more packed with people; Jyn realizes that a musical performance of some kind starts soon. Various instruments are dragged around the stage, then couple of guys runs a noisy soundcheck. Jyn silently fumes over the idea for meeting place - why the kriff does it have to be right in the middle of the crowd in front of the fucking main stage, biggest and loudest of several stages present on the site? Besides, there's plenty of stalls around, selling variety of food, drinks or hand-crafted items; there are also stands of artisans offering their services on the spot, like portrait painting, body painting, tattooing and Force only knows what else. It's such a wide array of possibilities to set up a drop point, and _of course_ their - _Cassian's_ \- contact had to pick the least convenient, most dangerous one. Obviously Cassian will handle the case with ease, and obviously it won't change the fact how useless she feels now. Jyn is not really into any music, her teenage years were filled with sounds of explosions and blaster shots, instead of some Core trendy band songs. But since she can't stick out like a sore thumb by standing stiffly among agitated crowds, she grits her teeth and starts paying attention to the band that has just stepped onto the stage. As opposed to the colourful audience, these people look pretty common in their dark, practical clothes, not unlike Jyn's regular attire. Without introduction, the band starts their performance. Jyn is relieved, it turns out their music may be loud but is not too heavy on her ears, and the lyrics are in Core variety of Basic - somewhat similar to Coruscanti accent, though not quite - so it's easy to get clear idea on what the songs are about. They are played one after another, some slower and subtle, some faster with the beat more pronounced; but nothing's really unusual about them. They all mostly tell stories of the shite in life, with occasional happier line on life's thrills, so Jyn just ignores the lyrics and tries to stay alert. She's waiting for Cassian to return to her, _as he always does,_ and keeps herself amused by watching the people in her immediate vicinity. The song that has just started must be a huge thing among the band's followers, as the howls and cheers in response were deafening at first, and then have sharply ended. It's a bit odd how everybody is suddenly calm now, and Jyn eyes her surroundings suspiciously. Male blue-skinned Twi'lek with orange flowers attached to the ends of his lekku and golden swirly painting up his bare muscular back; stumpy pale Human girl, short purple-dyed hair and a matching purple flower - _iris?_ \- tattoo on her arm; another humanoid female, tall and thin, skin almost black, white hair braided in a high crown up her head, wearing long neon-green gown; not just them, but almost everybody else gently swaying to the melody, whispering lyrics of the song in a feverish trance, staring firmly at the stage. Jyn hopes it's not a kind of Imperial attack, a narcotic gas or some other trick, as she seems to be entirely unaffected. She decides it has to be a matter of the song itself, so begins to listen closely, to learn what keeps the crowd so mesmerized.

_"And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am"_  


The music continues to gently flow, but Jyn couldn't care less. She's stunned, this very part of lyrics hitting her hard like a brick between the eyes, heavy with sudden revelation. Isn't it what she was always subconsciously looking for? That's what she finally has found, and what has found her. Somehow they have found each other, she and Cassian, in this world that's falling apart bit after bit. She remembers well how it wasn't exactly love at first sight. Yet, it definitely was an instant understanding. This was keeping them together on their path to Scarif. This was keeping them together on Scarif, and after its events as well. The bond between two people so different and yet so similar, slowly has evolved into something else. She can't really tell whether it was during their healing, or maybe right after both had claimed being done with healing; but something was going on, things were changing. It took them a long time of tip-toeing around this notable shift in their relations, though facing the issue was worth all the pain and fear accompanying it. They moved to a completely different level of caring, to ultimate partnership, only recently getting to a point of using the actual word _"love"._ They're still shy of such names, too afraid maybe that the overblown words might change or even destroy this _foreign_ thing. The strength that was a start for them won't ever change though: trust and intuitive comprehension of the other's actions, thoughts and feelings. No matter what they did in the past, how shameful or hideous, they just know and understand each other's reasons for the deeds, and move onward: together. Although, _right now_ they're separated and Jyn discovers _right now_ she does miss Cassian. And not as her commanding officer, not as her mission assigned partner, just as her - _her Cassian_. Again it feels so very wrong he's not beside her already and Jyn is on the verge of panicking, then slaps herself mentally. Wrong time, wrong place for digging up memories or going overly emotional; she needs to be her rational self. There's nothing to worry about, he comes when he's done with solo part of the assignment, period. Still, it was so weird what a stupid song could trigger: Jyn wonders, if Cassian's reaction to it would be exactly same, as she suspects, or entirely different maybe?

Just a second later, with a corner of her eye she catches a sight of familiar figure cautiously approaching her. To everybody else he may look just bored with the crowds and the noise. Jyn knows better though, Cassian is clearly satisfied with something, and a bit relieved finding her too; he must've been looking for her for quite a bit, after handling the exchange issue that is. Neither of them can relax now - they never really can - but half of the mission objectives is accomplished, safe return with the datastick being the other half. To avoid dragging unwanted attention, they have to stay longer where they are and pretend enjoying the event. Not only just acting, not only just mimicking dozens of couples standing around, Cassian carefully snuggles against Jyn's back. She gladly sags heavier than usual into his embrace, lets him tighten his hold around her upper torso, just to firmly cross her arms over his. Her partner - work partner, life partner, _her partner_ \- seems a bit startled with this willingness to display affection, even if faked for the use of onlookers. A light hips swing, tiny hand squeeze, quick nod towards the stage: Jyn tells him _she really needs and appreciates the closeness now,_ then _all is fine, no worries,_ and, finally, _just listen to these guys._ She knows he'll understand, and he does, as always flawless at reading her intent. Even if slightly surprised, Cassian shifts his focus to the song's finale.

_"And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_  
_I just want you to know who I am"_  


Sudden jolt runs through the man's body and Jyn smiles: Cassian had felt that too, like if for a couple of seconds someone was reading his mind and then shouted aloud his deepest thoughts, shouted out the truth they both share. For many years showing just the outer shell to the world, they'd finally found each other: a person seeing beyond the surface, able to reach deep into their real selves. Jyn and Cassian know well, fully accept and unconditionally love each other; it's a precious treasure neither could've ever hope to posses. And yet, here they are, _all the way together._ For this instant of time, it's just the two of them and the pure happiness of finding each other and still being who they are, no pretending involved. The acting will start again very soon, but only to the world, never to each other - and that's what it is to openly celebrate in this very moment.

_"I just want you to know who I am..."_  


They've always wanted to find someone who just knows. And they did, by finding each other.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been waiting for 20 years to hear my favourite song performed live. When it was announced that Goo Goo Dolls might be coming to a music festival only 460 km away from my city, I went _berserk_. Didn't yet know how, but was sure as hell: have to be there, no way to miss the chance of a lifetime. Long story short, I've been there; whole experience made me feel truly alive for the first time in ages, even if just for that one single hour. The impact of a dream coming true was so great that just had to write it down and share with the world. And since on the long way home from the festival I already did some RebelCaptain writing anyway ([Someday, one day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15592905)), my ["Iris"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R82EQNB2bBc)-based songfic was turned into a RebelCaptain story too. As for the self-insert - surprise, the girl with an iris tattoo is me. The iris isn't my only ink (got three more, including an Aurebesh sentence) but is the only one that matters here, so it's the only one featured.
> 
> Yes, I wish I had someone who'd knew exactly who I am: that's precisely what the flower on my upper left arm means.
> 
>  
> 
> (obviously, I do not claim having any rights to "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls, they belong to their proper owners. I'm just a fan in love with the song for 20 years)


End file.
